I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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