Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
