I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
