people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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