My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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