the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
