she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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