wanna go halves on a baby?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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