need another drink. this is the easiest way
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
