someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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