If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
