The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
