she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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