i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
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did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
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I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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