Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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