I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
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New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
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He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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