I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
And then he peed in my hair
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