dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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