Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
