i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
