The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
