So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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