I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
