Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
