as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I have feelings that need drinking.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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