is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
