saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
