SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
