I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
