I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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