i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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