the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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