went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
