you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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