i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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