So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
