I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Randomize