Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
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Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
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Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
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