haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
