seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
