I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
