Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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