Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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