She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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