i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
