a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
