My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
