I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
