Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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