I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
