I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
