I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Randomize
