When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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