I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
