anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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