I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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