dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
