sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
