hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
