how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
